Shame, Guilt, and Fear (Part 2)
Sin leads to shame, guilt, and fear. We can see those consequences clearly in the account of the fall in Genesis 3:7-13. All three damage our marriages as they did with the first couple. In part one of this series of posts, we saw how shame resulted in cover up and secrecy, which damages the openness and intimacy that are part of God’s design for “oneness” for marriage.
Similarly, if we fail to repent to God and each other, guilt also damages are marriages. Rather than repent, we often engage in a “blame game” where we seek to shift responsibility for our guilt onto our spouse. If shame can cause us to hide from each other, guilt and blame can burn the bridges that connect a couple.
We see this pattern in the actions of the first couple. Significantly, God gave Adam and Eve the opportunity to confess their sin. God said to Adam: “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Gen. 3:11). Rather than acknowledging his sin and taking responsibility, Adam began the blame game: “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” (Gen. 3:12). Adam thus sought to shift the blame to Eve for giving the forbidden fruit to
him.
He failed to acknowledge that he didn’t have to take the fruit from Eve. He failed to acknowledge that Eve didn’t physically force him to eat it. He also failed to acknowledge that, when the devil tempted Eve, Adam stood in the background rather than standing with Eve to resist the temptation together. He ignored his responsibility for his disobedience and tried to shift blame to his wife.
While Adam initially blamed Eve, he ultimately blamed God. God had put them in a wonderful environment where they could flourish. God gave Adam a suitable companion. God walked and talked directly with them. God gave them freedom and
authority. Yet despite all these God-given blessings, Adam blamed God. In his desperate attempt to escape his obvious guilt, Adam blamed the Creator who cared and provided fully for him. There is no limit to our efforts to deny responsibility for our sin.
Eve joined in the blame game. Her response to God’s question, “What is this you have done?” was: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Gen. 3:13). In other words: the devil made me do it. She took no responsibility for her disobedience. While she claimed to have been tricked, Eve was fully aware that the devil did not force her to eat the forbidden fruit. She made the decision to disobey God. But rather than acknowledging her responsibility and sin, she continued the blame game.
We also play the blame game in our marriages today. Rather than acknowledging our sins and responsibility, we seek to shift the blame onto our spouse—and onto God and other causes that we claim to be beyond our control (our upbringing, our life circumstances, etc.). When we accuse our spouses rather than take responsibility ourselves, we create divisions in our marriages. Rather than turning to each other, we turn on each other and perpetuate a cycle of blame and separation.
As with our failed cover-up response to shame, our natural blame response to guilt has a devastating negative impact on our marriages. Blame is not a solution. It may ease our feelings of guilt temporarily, but it prevents us from confronting the underlying problem—which damages both ourselves and our spouses. Shame and guilt remain. Far from providing a real solution, unresolved shame and guilt result in deception and
division that damages the oneness to which God calls us in our marriages.