Shame, Guilt, and Fear in Marriage — Part 1: The Weight of Shame

Immediately after Adam and Eve failed to stand together against the devil’s temptation, Genesis 3:7–13 describes three devastating consequences of sin: shame, guilt, and fear. Today, we continue to struggle with these destructive forces in our marriages. These forces separate us from each other — and from God.

Why Shame, Guilt, and Fear Are Often the Right Response

To be clear, we should be ashamed of rejecting God, His commands, and His good plan for our lives. We do stand guilty before God for our disobedience. And we should fear God’s punishment for our sins. As God had declared in Genesis 2:17, a consequence of sin was that “you will certainly die.” The dying process indeed began on the day that Adam and Eve sinned.

There are times, of course, when shame, guilt, and fear are neither proper nor healthy. We may feel shame due to false accusations from others or ourselves. We may feel guilty when we haven’t done anything wrong. We may experience fear from unwarranted attacks. But when it comes to our sin, shame, guilt, and fear are natural and appropriate responses. We need to confront them rather than deny their existence.

Adam and Eve’s Failed Strategy: Cover Up, Hide, Blame

As we consider Eve’s and Adam’s failed attempts to deal with their shame, guilt, and fear, we discover that they failed to directly confront these very real consequences of sin. Their response was to cover up, hide, and shift blame. We too engage in these failed strategies that prevent us from confronting the underlying impact of sin on our lives and marriages, and from seeking an effective cure that only comes from Christ. The ultimate remedy to our shame, guilt, and fear is Christ. He took the shame, guilt, and pain on Himself when He died on the cross for our sins.

In this post, we’ll consider Adam’s and Eve’s failed “cover-up” strategy for dealing with their shame. We’ll explore guilt and fear in future posts.

Before the Fall: Full Openness, Zero Shame

Prior to the fall, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). They were fully open with each other — physically, emotionally, and in every other way — without any embarrassment. They were one. They had no reason for shame.

After the Fall: Fig Leaves and the Birth of Cover-Up

But after they sinned, they experienced shame and immediately implemented a “cover-up” strategy. The verse immediately after they ate the forbidden fruit explains:

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Genesis 3:7)

Their eyes were opened to a world where they had rejected God, His plan, and His commands. The fundamental framework for their reality had changed — and in this new reality, the man and woman experienced shame.

How Shame Damages Christian Marriages Today

Shame damages our marriages. In marriage, God intended that we experience the most open and intimate of all human relationships. But sin brings shame. Shame brings cover-up and secrecy, which creates barriers to openness and intimacy in marriage, which in turn undermines the fundamental creation principle of oneness within marriage.

“Shame brings cover-up and secrecy, which creates barriers to openness and intimacy in marriage — undermining the fundamental creation principle of oneness.”

We must recognize that covering up is not a cure for shame. It is simply a convenient ruse that pretends there is no reason for shame. Far from curing the problem, this strategy allows the destructive forces of shame to fester beneath the surface — working against the oneness that God intends for marriage.

A Real-Life Example: How Alex and Emily Confronted Shame

Nancie Carmichael shares this story of how Alex and Emily constructively addressed shame in their marriage:

Alex and Emily had been married for several years. Early in their marriage, Alex made a significant financial misjudgment that resulted in a substantial debt. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed, Alex didn’t tell Emily, fearing it would damage their relationship.

As time went on, Alex’s shame intensified, and the weight of the secret became increasingly burdensome. Meanwhile, Emily sensed that something was wrong. She noticed changes in Alex’s behavior and became increasingly concerned. She could not get Alex to openly discuss what was going on, and an emotional distance began to grow between them.

Things came to a head for Alex and Emily when they both were going over their yearly budget. Emily sensed something was bothering Alex. She asked gently, “Alex, I don’t understand what’s going on. Is there something we need to discuss?” Alex took a deep breath and said, “Yes, Emily. We have a financial situation that I need to discuss with you.” At the end of their honest and somewhat painful discussion, they were relieved to realize that the situation wasn’t insurmountable. Forgiveness was offered and received.

Shame Dies When Stories Are Told in Safe Places

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.” — Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” — Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Sources: Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way: A Daring Path into the Abundant Way (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2016), 113. Brené Brown, Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (New York: Random House, 2017), 35.

Coming Next: Guilt and Fear

In Part 2 and Part 3, we’ll turn to the other two devastating consequences of sin named in Genesis 3 — guilt and fear — and the ways Christ alone provides a full, lasting remedy for both.